When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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