how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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