Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
