I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Randomize
