and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
