NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
