I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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