Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
