official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Randomize
