yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
