I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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