Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
