I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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