My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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