by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
