I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize