if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
