Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
