I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
