Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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