i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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