did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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