it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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