If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
