Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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