Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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