The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
