I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize