i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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