Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
