Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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