You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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