You smell like a Billy Joel song
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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