I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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