Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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