Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
he thought i was a dude.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
