I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
