the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
