fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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