Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Randomize
