I accidentally had phone sex last night
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
