I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Randomize
