2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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