Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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