checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
