i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
