she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
