Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
