Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
