I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
