just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
