Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Randomize
