btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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