so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
