I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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