Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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