a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
3pm strippers are depressing
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
