Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
