Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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