Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
