There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
