I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
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